Holy Guacamole....It's been 7 years!!

7 years!!! 7 years since I last wrote on my blog, peoples!! That's a long time and the only thing that hasn't changed is my over-fondness for exclamation points!!

I have decided that this blog is for me.

Life changed big time for me about 5 years ago. My husband, who has probably been mentally ill all of his life, crashed. And we went through some things! We're still going through things. I stopped writing for a couple of years and now I'm wanting to try and find that creative part of Mandyland again. But I think to do that I need to have a place where I can write honestly about all the struggles. Even if no one comes along for the ride, I've got to find a way to process it.

In quick style, here's an update:

Dec 2014 - Hubby has 4 heart attacks. A couple of months later, Hubby tells me and his doctor that he is suicidal. It all began.

Doctors, therapy, meds. It was a lot but I thought we had a handle on it.

January 2016 - My mom attempts suicide. Does a darn good job, was in a coma for weeks, in the hospital for months. She is doing great now!! So proud and happy for her!

Hubby, though, started going down hill fast. In his younger years, he was an alcoholic and user. In my opinion that was how he coped with undiagnosed mental illness. But he'd been clean and sober for so long. Until he wasn't. We've had stays in mental health facilities, rehab, even a little jail time. It overwhelms me to think about where we've been.

Hubby and I lived apart for two years - but I was still his main avenue of support and we never divorced. Now, he's back living with me and we are trying to find a new normal.

Long story short drugs, alcohol, bipolar, and schizophrenia have left the Hubby in poor health and unable to work. He tries so hard to help me where he can.

I was prompted to start chronicling this journey because, surely, we've gone through all this for a reason. And I have a very unique position. I'm the wife that refused to give up and stayed. Even when it wasn't always in my best interest.

I haven't found much out there for the one that stayed. There's plenty of recovery stuff for the ladies that walked away and props to them. But I didn't have children to protect, I only had Hubby and our critters. I wasn't willing to walk away and let him destroy himself in a torrent of pain and a haze of substances. Lots of people think I'm stupid for that. I am not an abused woman who is scared to leave. I know what I have to do to be safe and I can do it. I have done it. But I'm in a position to help him and not let all our years be for nothing.

Some days, my unrelenting determination is the only thing holding us together. I REFUSE to quit.

We have had months of stability with only the occasional hiccup. But I've been noticing that over the last few weeks, Hubby is slipping back into some of those old habits that he struggles with mentally. He is in counseling, but just started. That was the hardest part. He wanted no part of counseling until recently. We got him there though. His psychiatrist and other doctors are amazing and I couldn't do this without them. His niece and nephew are a God send. They are like me. They won't give up on him.

But I'm noticing that as he's sliding backwards, my anxiety is ramping up. I feel very on edge. I had gotten used to waiting for the other shoe to drop. Since November, it hasn't. I thought we were making progress and finding a little peace. I was wrong and the shock of it all slapped me in the face.

I find myself doing the things that I did months ago when I was watching his every move like a hawk. He is still going to AA, another thing for which I am eternally grateful. I think I thought that we were good. We were beating it. I'd heard there would be good days and hard days and there are, believe me there are. Now we've had a rough month and I'm starting to panic that it's all happening again.

Hubby is going for the weekend to stay with his Niece and Nephew. They are going fishing and he sounds so excited for it. Again, I couldn't do this without them. I hope it helps lift his spirits and he gets the will to fight amped back up.

If you're here with me, hold on, it's a bumpy ride.

XOXO
Mandy